Question:
I know being a perfectionist is working against me and causing huge stress in my life but I can’t seem to tolerate doing anything less than perfectly and am terrified of making mistakes. What do you suggest?
Answer:
There is a difference between who you are and the acts you perform. And being a perfectionist is an act. The short, unattractive story is that perfectionism is a disguise for feeling inadequate. If everything is perfect, no one will suspect what’s going on inside of you. But as you point out, there is much stress involved in keeping up the charade. Your true self wants out.
Spirit In A Box ~ 5” x 8” Ink on Paper ©Linda Hough
You have what I call Spirit-In-A-Box. Your spirit is innately programmed to expand, to grow, to seek new heights, new expressions and new vistas. When your spirit is constricted by unnatural boundaries, you cannot be happy. There is always a feeling of inauthenticity because your true self is not expressing itself.
How comfortable are you when it comes to letting go of control? I can share a recent story that let me know exactly where I am on the perfectionist scale.
The other night I had 5 people coming for dinner. Earlier that day, I added another guest. This person offered to share a group healing process with us but the caveat was that he had to be on the road early.
I hadn’t planned for this.
Dinner was whole chickens and lots of veggies on the grill. Not something you can rush. People were planning on coming around 7:30. In order to have the healing group, eat, and get this person on the road on time, we had to begin at 6:30. After an initial bout of what-was-I-thinking, I got busy.
I got the grill going early. I started calling. People thought maybe they could make it earlier. Then, one person couldn’t. Then one person wasn’t sure if she could come at all due to unexpected circumstances. Time was ticking. The guy was already here. Should we eat first and then do the group and risk everyone being full and lethargic? Or should we wait until….and oh, just how many people are coming?
Outside The Comfort Zone ~ 5” x 8” Ink on Paper ©Linda Hough
At one point, I realized I was WAY outside of my comfort zone. THE PERFECT PLAN had completely disintegrated. Things might get sloppy. The person who wasn’t coming then decided to come but would be late. Do we wait to do the group or have her arrive in the middle of it? Argh!
The only relief I could find was expressing my discomfort, laughing, and then letting everything go. It would be whatever it turned out to be, I thought as I gritted my teeth and let out a big sigh.
Guess what? Everything turned out just fine, I would say ‘perfectly’, as things often do….when you let them.
Ok. I admit it. I have perfectionist tendencies. So I love this question. The evening was a great lesson in letting go of perfectionism and accepting what was. It helped to have compassionate guests who shared the same theory: it’s all good.Guess what? Everything turned out just fine, I would say ‘perfectly’, as things often do…when you let them.
But even if I hadn’t, people are responsible for their own experiences. I did my best to create a cozy environment with good food and pleasant atmosphere. We all brought our own part to the experience and together we created what turned out to be a truly magical evening by letting it simply evolve.
Joyful Self-Expression ~ 5” x 8” Ink on Paper ©Linda Hough
Uncertainty is the nature of the world we are living in. Being able to be comfortable with the unknown is the nature of the creative spirit. Any creative act has a time of not knowing. At a certain point in the work, the artist steps back and lets the creative process take over. When the artist follows this flow, she has given up control and her idea of where the art will end up.
Letting go of ‘perfect’ allows you to experience this process.
Novelists often talk about how characters take on a life of their own and direct the story. Being comfortable with letting go and trusting the process is the key to any new creation or invention.
Attention to detail in the right place is one perfectionist tendency that can add tremendously to the creative act. Many a great work of art exists because the artist refused anything less than perfection. However, for most of us, perfection only gets in the way of getting anything accomplished at all.
Mistakes do not reflect your character but your courage. Mistakes do not make you a ‘bad’ person. Mistakes are necessary for growth. Allowing yourself to experiment and fail is part of the creative process. And if you desire a life of joyful self-expression then embracing this process is a requirement.
Besides, it’s way more fun!